"You seem so calm and blissful"Sep 20, 2022
These words, this beautiful compliment and acknowledgement has been shared with Me, a lot lately actually. Old me would quickly brush off a compliment and immediately out of panic and the uncomfort of receiving would hand it right back.... " Oh so do You" sort of thing.... You know???
But Me today, really receives this. WOW.... what a gift.
I've put effort into this, I've done some things.... and that is what this share is about... the things I've done
My humorous self wants to keep this short and say Plant Medicine and Breathwork. Period. Full Stop. You're welcome.... but there really was and is so much more.
Although these two allies are staples in my personal journey, there is more
When I was young My Mother and I dabbled in the world of spirituality through visits with physics and intuitives, I love that my Mom was into this .... it made it somewhat normal for me as a young girl.
After my mom passed I sought out the support and guidance from many intuitives and psychics, just seeking someone to tell me it was all okay and that I would be ok... someone to tell me when I would meet the man of my dreams, someone to tell me that I would be successful, that I wouldn't starve and die alone.... someone to share their magic with Me so that I could feel that connection again.......
I admired these people, I dreamed to be like them.... to have gifts, to know my intuition, to know MORE than what my human saw... more than the 3D world I lived in..... I was in AWE. I wanted what they had.... they were so calm, so connected, so grounded, peaceful.... blissful.... clear.... confident.... safe and nurturing.
I wanted what they had.
This type of life, these types of gifts and characteristics were for "other people"... they were not for Me... I would just seek them out when I needed a "hit" so to speak.
I had so many.....SO MANY...perhaps all of them share with me that I had it too... that I was gifted, that I was a healer, that I had the light, the aura, the presence of THIS in which I desired.... and I smiled and always washed that away... It didn't feel true to Me.
When I was 27, I found myself in a relationship with a man who was truly a wonderful being...who is a wonderful being, my gosh. I had been in relationship with Him for almost 4 years and in those years had witnessed myself fade... fade away from who I desired to be, fade away from this other lovely human I was partnered with, and I witnessed myself treat him with such low levels of respect and love .... I hated what I saw. I felt as if I didn't know who I was....
When I chose to end that relationship I decided immediately to step into relationship with ME. I started reading books that sparked something inside of Me, starting with The Power Of Now ( I know.. hahah classic first book for spiritual deepening) I began volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters, began a yoga practice and decided that THERE WAS MORE.
There had to be MORE
This journey ebbed and flowed.... and ebbed and flowed.... I would explore relationships that would showcase the unhealed parts of self again and again... for this I am so sorry to the partners I have hurt. It TRULY wasn't You... it was ME. ( for real though hahah)
Fast forward to ..... 2016 maybe? I was a personal trainer... had been at that point for 11 years. I was living what I THOUGHT was my dream job. I was competing in fitness competitions I was prepping clients to compete I was modelling for fitness magazines I was writing for dozens of international magazines, I was attending global fitness expos and APPEARING as though life was GREAT.
What was happening on the inside was something different... I was finding myself disconnecting again. I was living a life that looked amazing and felt so- so. I was so busy trying to make my physical body look a certain way, to please others, to fit the expectations that I missed the moment I began disliking it.
There was so much go go go pressure and mentality with this work that I never allowed myself time to be SLOW and PRESENT with it, with Me. To tune into what I needed, what I wanted... who the hell I was. I knew again..... THERE HAS TO BE MORE.
I had a client who spoke a lot about Ayahuasca. I had NO IDEA what that was, and up until that point was VERY judgemental about "drug use" I wouldn't touch anything, I had some very particular view points that now I giggle at.
Ayahuasca, is a plant, the Grandmother plant, the grandmother medicine... she is NOT a drug. Wow is she ever NOT a drug. She is to be held is such grace and high regard..... but it took me a while to grasp this.
This continued conversion with my client began to open my mind bit by bit about what else there is....I didn't know when, but I knew I would sit with Aya one day......
It was Psilocybin that I met first. Another hell no. I had experienced mushrooms when I was 15 at a party.. again.. it was a "drug" and although YES it was the most fun I can recall having almost ever hahah it wasn't something I considered now as a "responsible adult".
It was an intuitive who asked me if I had an openness to this plant.. I laughed.... and yet there was a deep curiosity. It was coming up in conversations and readings and documentaries all around Me... which I now know, it was calling to Me.
My first exploration of Psilocybin was with a shaman, a medicine woman in a yurt in the most beautiful overnight ceremony ... and my life shifted.
It was that night that I received clarity on WHY I felt like "that life, those gifts, that energy" wasn't for Me.
Ahhhhh I cry thinking about how incredible and powerful that night was for Me... It was that night I began to truly meet Myself.
Only thanks to the gentle, sometimes slow journey to this point....this wouldn't be possible. I just wouldn't be here... For all of those inner nudges, inner knowings, curiosities, emotional breakdowns and breakthroughs... if not for them, I would be someone else.
I have since sat with the medicine of the mushrooms on many occasions and continue to be held by them in the most heart opening supportive way, my gosh..... what a teacher.
It was 2019 that Breathwork and somatic healing found Me...I was STUNNED.
WTF is this i thought... hahah I still think it sometimes. It's just so profound
Somatics - Of the body.... the whole body. It's working with your physical body, emotional body, energetic and spiritual, and in this we are able to make contact with, be with, and heal parts of ourselves we previously couldn't. There is only so far talking can take us in our healing. When the memories are stored in the subconscious and energetic field we need to drop into the feeling states of, the experiential states and not the conscious thinking mind state.
This is what conscious connected breathwork allows us to do.
When I walked into the room on the night of my first breathwork session, I knew NOTHING. I knew nothing about the potency of this practice, but I knew I trusted it. There was a reason I was here.
About half way through the hour long session my facilitator Stephanie had us vigorously shake out our arms and hands ( moving energy, waking up the body). I enjoyed this part, it felt needed and I could feel how this was helping me shift some things inside... and then she had us TONE.
TONING - making noise.. AHHHHHHH .... LAAAA.. OMMMMMM .....EEEEEEE.... whatever... just make noise... and shake.... OMG.
No matter how much I tried, my mouth was open I was TRYING to make sound... and nothing would come out. silence... my lip quivered, I was so disappointed in myself. "Why can't you do this, whats wrong with You" The shaming came in HOT !!!
What happened next happened FAST
"how long have you been afraid to use your voice"
"who told you you couldn't use your voice"
"omg Mom never felt safe using her voice"
"grandma never felt safe using her voice"
"holy shit how many generations back were told to stay quiet"
"women... women.... haven't been using their VOICES!!!!!"
and in that moment........ I squeeked... I made noise, I allowed Myself to be heard.... and then I broke TF down ( tf = the fack)
This moment was P R O F O U N D for Me. It was a realization that I am here for BIG THINGS. I am here to break the lineage of women who are not heard. To break the story, to re write the story. To speak up, to sing, to tell my story, to tell women and men that they are loved, that they are safe here, that they are exactly right in their feelings.... I get to tell them that.... I GET TO TELL THEM THAT!
This was the moment that I knew I was done with my previous work in the fitness industry... THIS was what I was here for....
LIFE BEFORE BREATHWORK + LIFE AFTER BREATHWORK ... Im not even joking. There is a tangible difference for Me.
The teachings that I have received in breath sessions has been just as , and sometimes more potent than plant medicine ..... and how stunning that THE BREATH IS ALREADY HERE. ITS WITHIN... ITS MINE... ITS YOURS....
what I need has never been external.... never
what I need is and has always been.... HERE... it's Me
I wonder sometimes if I hadn't spend so many years trying to be someone else... trying to change ME, trying to avoid this one sacred relationship if I could have learned this earlier... and then I remember.... I am right on time....
I am right on time.
SO for those who share with Me that I seem so calm and blissful......
it's because I am.
And inside the calm and the bliss, there is and always will be waves.... and within the waves I remember myself and my tools.
So grateful for this work
If you have questions or something sparked within I am always so keen to connect, you can reach me through my website www.thesacredessentials.net
with so much love
I am truly so grateful You are here, I would love to hear from You. If there is something You would like Me to share on please email me [email protected]
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