I feel like I've shared this story a thousand times, but my very best friend recently told me she had never heard it and that she thinks everyone needs to hear my story..... so here I am... 

I had built a decently successful personal training business over 15 years... I had been also teaching yoga at this point for..mmmmmm 4 years... maybe 3.  I was travelling to big fitness events with a supplement company, working with magazines, photo shoots and article writing, hosting yoga and fitness retreats in Bali.....Life was good....

I really did love what I was doing for work, and at the same time, I had felt for a long time that there was something MORE.

I didn't know what that meant necessarily but it felt as though, for Me at least that my work as a trainer was surface, superficial, and almost a bandaid for something MUCH deeper.

When I began leading yoga classes, I felt the gentle flirt of what might be the missing piece.... Something was different about yoga. My students weren't coming in jacked up and ready to "smash their workout" they weren't coming in to "burn off" the weekend treats, they weren't coming in wanting to change or fix themselves. 

And to be incredibly honest, I was also working out to burn off and fix myself.... even if I wasn't consciously aware of sharing it with anyone.... I was also living in a very superficial surface level space DEEPLY desiring more depth and unsure how to even get there......or where "there" even was.

Okay so yoga ..... you know the vibe..... dim lighting, gentle vibey music, softer voices, turning inwards, moving slowly, curious mind..... and through classes I would see my students in tears..... Truly meeting themselves in their softness, and it was BEAUTIFUL.       THIS was my first taste of something more

I sat in this duality of both worlds for a while..... the go go go energy of the gym life and the slow tender energy of the yoga studio .... and I loved both.....

AND there was more... I knew it..... but what ?? 

................ I was working with an acupuncturist, stefanie miska..... (ahhhhh I adore this woman) and she was always sharing with me about this breathwork session that she ran once a month, around the full moon, and suggested that I come.

I kept not going, assuming breathwork was simply pranayama, which I already felt familiar with as I was a yoga teacher ... and that's what we do... hahah  

[ simple mind, you are so sweet ]

I eventually went to a session...... here's what happened

The space was full of about 12 of us, we were spread out in a circle on our yoga mats with blankets and all the things to keep us cozy.

She instructed us on how we would be breathing for this session, in and out through an open mouth. THIS WAS NOT TRADITIONAL YOGIC PRANAYAMA.... this was clear 

Conscious Connected Breathwork was what we were doing, and I had never heard of it. No idea what it was or what to expect .......

We laid down, closed our eyes and the music started.

I got the hang of the breath, I think.... fairly quickly, open mouth, soft jaw, full inhale, surrendered exhale.... "mmmhmmmm yup got it!"

after some time, She instructed us to extend our hands up towards the ceiling and shake the out, releasing energy... "makes sense.... yup I can do that"

then she had us make sound. as we shook our hands out, our arms out she asked us to make a really loud  AHHHHHHHHH sound.

....... my mouth was open, I could hear the whole room making this sound, and all I could do was fight it. My bottom lip quivered, nothing would come out, no sound, no voice.

And the inner dialogue began........"what's wrong with you? Why aren't you making a sound?....How long have you been holding back? Who told you to be quiet? Who taught you this? Mom never spoke up, Grandma for sure didn't speak up...How many women in my lineage DIDN'T HAVE A VOICE?" 

                        The more I spiralled down this rabbit hole of WHERE THE F DID MY VOICE GO, the angrier I got..... this felt like it went on forever, but it was realistically less than a minute... MAYYYYYBE one minute.

...... I felt so ashamed and sad that I was this disconnected from my voice.... I felt heart broken.

When She eventually invited us to release the sound I .... let out a squeak.   It was just a little squeak but it came through .... and when it came through..... I KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT THIS STORY ENDS WITH ME.

The story of the women in my lineage not having a voice, not speaking up, not sharing their dreams, their fears, their truth..... ENDS HERE AND NOW.

I sobbed 

I cried so hard 

I felt a mix of grief, anger and empowerment .... all in one messy and beautiful expression and in that moment I realized what the M O R E was......

It was this moment that I knew what I was looking for..... THIS depth, this self knowing, this empowerment and clarity, this connection within myself was what I wanted other people to experience within themselves.

It was this moment that I knew I had to leave fitness.

The session continued, after my big emotional release I came back to the breath and continued to process, and found layers of joy and empowerment, clarity and focus..... as the session ended and we all began our travels home I asked Stef who her teacher was and immediately emailed him looking for his next training.

Fast forward a few months and I was in my first weekend immersion, overjoyed with where life was taking me and beginning to plan my transition OUT of fitness....

It's been 4 years

I am HOME, this is it...... and it continues to deepen and I trust it will evolve forever and always 

The potency of that session has stayed with Me in a VERY clear way, and I have witnessed it time and time again with clients and I am FILLED each and every time with gratitude and grace.... WOWWWWWWW 

THIS MAGIC, THIS MEDICINE is within us... IT'S ALREADY THERE, and it's powerful !!! 

I am forever grateful, humbled and in Awe.

My wish for You is that you experience the wonder that is your own inner magic, your own medicine....

You are powerful, you are EVERYTHING and more...

i love you